1983'
by zehere
Summary: Lureen went home from office one hour earlier than usual.But will one hour be enough time to change Jack's destiny...
1. Chapter 1

1983

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie Proulx. I just filled the blank parts….

With powerful and nice help of my _beta _ 'goldencompass' and the encouragement of my friend Bob. Thank you, very much!

P.S. All mistakes are mine!

The summer that year was cold and rainy. In May Jack and Ennis spent a cold week together in the mountains. When they parted, they had an argument and long-suppressed frustration came breaking out of Jack. In the end, they resolved nothing. As usual, Ennis was gone with his horse trailer and Jack had watched him go, as so often the last years.  
>Jack wanted to no longer continue. He was sick of the perpetual roller-coaster of feelings, of anticipation and disappointment, because Ennis was still not able to stand by him, even after almost twenty years. He felt too old, to continue investing more feelings and life into a relationship without a future.<p>

Ennis was divorced, his children grown up. He was a free man but he refused to listen to his heart. When they were together, Jack knew that Ennis still loved him, but his hopes of a life together had been disappointed over and over again. How often he had wondered what it all meant, on his way back to Texas. After their meetings he drank for days to numb the pain. Ennis had been angry at him when he was talking about Mexico. Angry and jealous! Jack wanted to embrace him more than anything and tell Ennis how disgusting and shameful his few visits to the Mexican male prostitutes had been. Jack felt too old for these games, standing up and in alley ways, after which he felt dirty and disgusted by himself. He longed for a loving relationship. And he longed for honesty. At the very least he wanted to be able to say to the man he loved "Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I love you." He didn't want to build a false facade around his heart anymore. At home, at least, he wanted to be who he really was.

When they separated, Jack was on his way to his parents thinking about everything. Inwardly, he separated himself from Ennis. He would write no more postcards and would no longer answer any. Inwardly, he separated from Lureen, too. Their marriage was just a huge

burden and Lureen was ultimately not happy with him. Jack wanted to bring order to his life. He wanted no more compromises.

For several months he had a relationship with Randall. Randall was a foreman on a large ranch, in a neighboring town. He was married but he had already separated from his wife and wanted a future with Jack. Jack liked Randall very much. He was smart, a good friend, liked to go out, to go hunting and fishing and he was a tender, sensitive lover. He was not like Ennis. Ennis was the one for Jack! But this story seemed to have a future. Randall was not ashamed about his feelings. Even on the evening they had met first, he flirted so hard that Lureen thought Randall was flirting with her. Jack knew the flirting was for him, and later, as they waited for their wives, Randall had taken the opportunity to make a date with Jack. It was so easy. Their wives got along very well, so it wasn't a problem for the two men to spend time together. The experience of spending time together, whether playing pool or darts in the bar, having drinks, to talk or just sit next to each other at the bar before landing in bed, was quite new to Jack. He loved the mountains but he also loved occasional human society and he was glad that Randall enjoyed their evenings together just as much as Jack did. Randall was obviously proud to go out with Jack. Of course, they took care to keep the true nature of their relationship a secret. Officially, they were very close friends. This went on for some months and Jack was grew more comfortable with the idea of moving to L.F. with Randall. Randall had studied agriculture. The conditions were good to build up his father's ranch together. He had separated from his wife. She had already moved back to Dallas. Now Jack had to bring order to his own life. Ennis did not want a common future. It had finally become clear after their last clash.  
>Jack visited his parents for three days and he talked about his divorce and the plans he had with Randall. The father was skeptical, as always with Jack's ideas. However, he would have to accept the help of the two younger men.<p>

June and July 1983 were much too cold. In August, it barely rained a drop and Ennis' Boss was very worried because the price of beef was the worst in years. Ennis learned in September that he would have work only for a few weeks because the ranch had been sold. He would have to look for new work. But perhaps he could spend two weeks with Jack. His longing was great and at the end of September, he wrote a postcard. Just one day later he got a telegram from Jack. That had never happened before and obviously this could not be the answer to his postcard "The boy has probably been longing, too ... .." Ennis thought, as he excitedly opened the envelope.

HELLO ENNIS, FATHER KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT, MOTHER NEEDS URGENT HELP, CAN NOT LEAVE KNOW, PLEASE GO TO L.F.! JACK

That was not what Ennis had expected or hoped for! This news was disturbing. Ennis was up all night thinking about, what he should do now. In the morning he listened to his heart, for the first time. He packed his belongings, spoke to his boss, loaded the horses onto the trailer and went on his way to Jack's mother's. The road took some time, because he could not drive fast with the trailer and Ennis thought about how awful it was when his own parents had their accident and he and his siblings were left alone. His childhood ended with that accident.

It was the first time that Jack had asked him for help and Ennis was sure that Jack has good reasons why he couldn't go to his mother, to help her himself. Ennis remembered clearly, how happy his brother and sister had been, if some neighbors helped them with the cattle and with administrative matters.

It was already dark when he got his trailer parked in front of the Twist Ranch. Suddenly it seemed strange that in all these years he never was here before with Jack. Mrs. Twist looked cautiously out of the door. She was a seasoned farmer's wife but she was somewhat shaken by the events of recent days. Ennis walked slowly toward her. As he stood in the light beam of the lantern, he pulled his hat and said "Hello M'am. Jack sent me to help. Sorry about his father." " Good evening, you must be Randall, Jack told us about you. Come in please." She stepped aside.

Ennis was queasy and he did not move from the spot. Who the hell was Randall ? "Please come in. Are you hungry?" Ennis followed her slowly into the house and suddenly felt totally out of place. He groped for the telegram in his pocket. In light of the kitchen the woman looked at Ennis and asked him if he was alright. He held out the telegram and she read it. A smile crossed her face. "Ennis Del Mar! It's nice to meet you! Jack always talked so much about you when he visited us. Please take a seat. I'm just cooking something to eat. "She went to the stove to stir something and even brought a plate, utensils, and a cold beer. Ennis sat down, took a big gulp of beer and had the feeling that Jack's mother was happy that he was sitting here and not Randall! After the meal Mrs. Twist showed him a place for his horses in her barn and Ennis unloaded his few belongings from the car. "Ennis, you can sleep in Jack's room. I've left it the way it was when he was a boy. I think he liked it. It's just upstairs.- "Ennis thanked her for the meal, said good night and took his bag up in Jack's bedroom. So, here was where he slept when he visited his parents. Ennis was excited. He looked at the room by the light of a small lamp. There was a narrow bed, a desk, an air rifle, a wall niche as a wardrobe. Ennis undressed, lay down on Jack's bed and Jack suddenly felt very close. "I wish you were here now, my friend ... ... .." With that thought, he fell into a fitful sleep.  
>The next morning started early with the clatter of breakfast dishes, smell of fresh coffee and tempting aroma of fried eggs and bacon. A breakfast like this was not typical for Ennis. Usually he only drank coffee with his first cigarette. At breakfast, Jack's mother told him how the accident with Jack's father happened. He had been helping a neighbor with roof work and had fallen to the ground. He was killed instantly. John Twist was very sparing all his life, but he had paid the money for a life insurance policy to be issued,- which for now at least, meant his widow had no financial worries. "Ennis, I would be happy if you could stay with me for a while. Although I can't pay very much but you would have food and lodging for yourself and the horses for free and I would also do your laundry." Ennis thought for a moment and then said "I am happy to help."<br>Mrs. Twist was a practical woman and she showed Ennis the ranch just after breakfast. Ennis saw the work at a glance and got started right away. There was a lot to do.  
>At dinner he learned why Jack could not come from Texas at the moment. He was divorcing Lureen and the court date required him to appear in person. Ennis remembered this well from his own divorce from Alma, even if it had been several years ago.<p>

About this Randall, Mrs. Twist said nothing.

Several days passed and Ennis felt good. Slowly the operation was running smooth again, and Mrs. Twist seemed to be pleased to take care of him as a son. He enjoyed the motherly care. The first time he drove her into town, Ennis had a strange feeling. He suddenly felt the loss of his own mother very much. He had always kept these thoughts suppressed.

Mrs. Twist introduced him everywhere as Jack's good friend who had come to stand at her side and assist her with the ranch. Ennis was universally welcomed and by the next week many people already knew his name.

After two weeks, Ennis began to wonder, why they had no news from Jack. He lay awake at night. His eyes wandered and after a while, he couldn't stay in the boy bed, no longer. He wandered about the room thinking about Randall. Who was this guy? Was Jack possibly getting a divorce for him? But why did he send him, Ennis, to his mother? Ennis didn't know how to make any sense of it. He only knew that his longing for Jack was getting stronger and he had the feeling that Jack's mother knew exactly who he was, but she didn't speak of it directly. It was just something in the tone of her voice when she said "This is Jack's good friend, Ennis" Maybe it was just his imagination. He wandered through the room. Ennis knew that he was pretty paranoid when it came to his love affair with Jack. He stopped in front of the cabinet. He pushed Jack's jacket and the clothes a little bit to the side and suddenly he saw the crack next to the cabinet. He shoved his hand and felt fabric. A blue shirt. Jack's blue shirt, with a blood stain on the sleeve. He had worn it on their last day on Brokeback. Ennis pulled the shirt out of the crack and found his own plaid shirt, he thought he had lost tucked inside from the collar to the sleeves. Jack had taken it, and kept hidden all these years! A warm wave spilled onto Ennis. His longing for Jack came over him painfully, along with the fear that it might be too late for them both because HE was never able to truly decide to be with Jack, in all these long years. Tears welled in his eyes. His terror that he lost Jack forever was increasing. He thought of their last goodbye, during that argument. He lay on the bed, onto the two shirts and tried to find a little residual smell of Jack, but there was nothing, just a memory. Suddenly, all the dams broke. He cried, on their two shirts and all the mistakes he made over the years came to his mind. Jack had been right! They wasted so much time while they could have been living together! He simply, had not had enough courage!

- He didn't hear the door. Suddenly, Jack's mother sat by his bed and said softly "Jack has been sleeping for weeks on these shirts and every night I heard him cry. I didn't quite have the courage to comfort him because I was afraid of the truth. Now I know that no one can change anything if he's in love."

She touched Ennis shoulder softly and whispered "Shhh, it's okay. I would like to have two sons." Ennis sobbed uncontrollably and for the first time in his life he could say everything, let everything out. His childhood trauma of the loss of parents, the terrible experience with the dead neighbor, his love for Jack, their time on the mountain, his doubts, his ever-increasing fear of beeing discovered, his inability to admit even that he was gay, his messed up marriage to Alma, his lousy life.

The old woman listened, and she had a secret, too. "Ennis, I knew that about you and Jack since 1963. Jack did not cry as quietly as you. He was so young and his heart was broken. He often cried your name in his sleep. When he got that fever, after he had captured lost calf, he had talked over and over about you. I had hoped it would pass ... Then he got married and I thought everything was okay. But after years, when he visited us for the first time, he spoke less of his wife and the little boy, and more about your reunion after four years. Since that day, I definitely knew that this is a real, great, love. But the fact that my son is a homosexual upset me. I needed medical help. The doctor quickly realized that I was tormented by psychological problems and I told her, what was bothering me quite frankly. She sent me to a psychologist in the next town. I never spoke openly to my husband but I learned, to accept the facts. I knew that I am not the only mother with a gay son. Ennis, I love my son and would like nothing more than for him to be happy. He just seems to need you to be happy. Are you not looking for a little happiness and security? "

That hit him! Ennis was speechless. The woman continued her silence. After some long minutes, Ennis said: "Thank you, Mrs. Twist." Finally, under cover of night, things came to light. After hours of talking Ennis was empty, but calm and comforted. He had confidence in Jack's mother. She would not exploit what she had heard tonight. As the sky brightened, she said "No more sleep tonight, I'll make us coffee." Ennis was still thinking. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was a good feeling and he felt new life force flowing. Jack was lucky to have such a mother.

At breakfast, Jack's mother told him some stories of her difficult marriage to the choleric John Twist, who beat wife and child. Now, after his death, she was looking forward to realizing some of her own dreams. She wanted to have few dairy cows to have a second income when the price of meat will turn bad. And she also wanted an extension to the house, with a covered porch. Her husband had always refused to have the work done.

"And if you want, we can build two horse stalls in the barn." Ennis grinned and said. "M'am I'll build anything you want." Later at work, he felt a bit like it was his ranch he was working now. It was a good feeling. When Jack would be here, it would be perfectly!

He pushed aside the thoughts of Randall.

Lureen's letter came two days later. She reported that Jack had had a serious accident and was brought, by helicopter, to Dallas, to St. Paul's University Hospital. It was still not clear whether Jack would survive. About the divorce, she wrote nothing.

Mrs. Twist and Ennis read the letter before dinner. Both were shocked and very concerned for Jack. Ennis had no desire to go to Texas, and certainly not a large city like Dallas, but now he would have given his right eye, to be at Jacks side for just one hour!  
>Lureen had included the phone number for the intensive care. Mrs. Twist did not have a phone, so they had to wait until the next day, to make the call.<p>

Dallas, Texas

Jack felt a soft hand on his left wrist. A woman's voice said, "Doctor, I think he's waking up." To Jack the voice said "Mr. Twist, please remain calm, you've had an accident." Jack tried to open his eyes but he managed to only open them a tiny amount. He could not even speak. His mouth felt like it was taped shut. The bright light hurt his eyes and he fought against the tube in his throat. There was a beeping noise and a terrible, long-drawn out alarm that scared him. Jack tried to move but found to could not.

"Mr. Twist, remain calm. It will be better soon. "This time, he heard a male voice. Someone invisible broke a bandage on his nose. It hurt and something was pulled from his throat through his nose. "Better now, Mr. Twist?" asked the man's voice. The alarm fell silent, and Jack was able to breathe better. He tried to nod and say something, but he couldn't.

"Try not to talk, you have a broken jaw. We had to wire it up, so you can not open your mouth. Do you have any pain? If so you blink two times." Jack had no pain at the moment. But he didn't know where he was and how he got there. The last thing he remembered was an iron bar hitting his nose. Then darkness. Now he heard people coming and going, quiet conversations, unknown beeping sounds and rattling doors.

He did not know how long he had been unconscious. After some time he could open his eyes better. He looked into the face of a young nurse who was wiping his face with a washcloth. It hurt him and he groaned. The nurse was startled "Oh, sorry, Mr. Twist, I didn't mean to hurt you." She continued with her washing, but now with extra caution. She went on to clean every inch of Jack's body and he was deeply embarrassed.

He could still not move properly but when the nurse was washing him, he had a look at his stomach. Shit! If everything else was so injured like this, then he must look 'great'. His left arm was in a cast and on his stomach was a long patch from the sternum to the pubic bone. He apparently had a catheter inserted and in his right wrist hung an IV line. "Jack, you look great." he said to himself.

The nurse had finished her work and raised the top of the bed so that Jack could see. A few moments later, a doctor entered Jack's room. He sat down next to him and asked if Jack felt a little better. "I will ask you some questions and will tell you what happened to you. Can you follow me?" Jack nodded.

"Do you have pain?" Jack said no. "Do you know where you are?" Jack said no. "Do you know who you are?" Jack nodded. It was terrible for him, not to be able to talk and he wanted to know exactly what had happened. The doctor calmly told him the story from the beginning. "It was a week ago. You arrived at emergency by helicopter from Childress. Jack's eyes went wide and the doctor was able to interpret his question correctly. "Oh yes, you are in the St. Paul University Hospital in Dallas. Should I continue or would you like to have a break?" Jack wanted him to continue.

"You had a serious car accident. Your wife found you, by chance, because she went home from the office one hour earlier than usual. She brought you to the hospital in Childress with her own car, but once there, they immediately saw that you were heavily injured and you were transported by helicopter to us. We have operated on several times and you were in an artificial coma for five days. But things look better than we had initially assumed. Don't worry too much. The opportunity to get well again is very good." Jack moaned. This conversation was pretty hard. "Sleep a little bit Mr. Twist. Every day will be better from here. Oh by the way, your wife is coming tomorrow. I have called her this morning." The doctor got up and left Jack to assimilate this news. Jack closed his eyes and the events that had placed him in a hospital bed ran like a movie in his mind:

In the morning was the trial date with Lureen. The divorce proceeded in a factual and businesslike manner. They had everything cleared in advance anyway. Lureen was too much of a business woman and had her emotions under control.

It was different that night in May when he came back from Wyoming and had opened up to her, telling her that he wanted to split up and why. Another woman, yes it would have hurt! But a man as a rival! No woman in the world could accept that!

She was deeply hurt, although she had felt for a long time that there was something wrong in her marriage. There was screaming and crying and it took days before they both found a level and were able to discuss everything. Jack slept from then on in the guest room or at Randall's. Of course, Lureen wanted to get sole custody of Bobby. Jack knew that she would also get. That was the reason he had delayed the separation so long. But now, the state of things were unbearable for him. He only could hope that his son would forgive him and understand him later.

Jack was often drunk with Randall during this time. He comforted Jack. Jack was weak and helpless when he was drunk. In such a moment of weakness, between midnight and dawn, they were lying together in bed smoking when it happened. Jack told him all that had happened between him and Ennis. The summer on the mountain, his love, grief, their reunion after four years, the whole, shitty, secret relationship, the lies, the Mexico trips. He let out everything. Randall listened to him very quietly. He was not nearly as drunk as Jack and he recognized the importance of the story immediately. He was madly jealous of Ennis. As Jack came to an end, an awkward silence was between them.

Although Jack still was drunk he could feel that something was wrong. "Randall, are you asleep?" "No, I'm listening to you, but I don't like what I hear!" Jack turned to Randall and looked at him. Randall said coldly "Jack, you didn't get the one you love, and now I' m your consolation! Shit for me, that you're the ONE for me!" Jack heard anger and jealousy and regretted not keeping his mouth shut.

They did not speak again about this issue until one day, three days before the divorce date, when the news came of the death of his father.

Randall went wild when Jack told him that he had asked Ennis, for help. They were in a bar and there were loud and cress words. Some people looked at them blankly and shook their heads. The matter escalated completely when two days later a postcard from Ennis arrived, saying that he wanted to meet up with Jack. Lureen had put it in Randall's mail box out of pure malice. After all it was now clear about the trips her husband had made several times a year! For decades!

If he thought about that, Jack could understand his wife. However, this postcard was the straw that broke the camel's back for Randall. This time it was Randall who allowed himself to get wrecked in the bar. And the bartender listened to the story he told about Lureen Newsomes husband.

Jack was not generally liked in the town. After the story about Jack being gay had made the rounds, after the divorce, there was that appalling attack. Three men ran Jack's car into the ditch, pulled him out of the car and beat him thoroughly. Jack fought hard, but there was no way he could win against three men! He fended off the blow of an iron rod with his left forearm, thereby breaking the ulna and radius. Jack grabbed instinctively at the cast on his arm at the memory of the deep pain. They kicked him, he fell down, kicks in the ribs and his waist which ruptured his spleen and bladder! With all the internal bleeding, he almost died! The last thing he remembered was a hit with the iron rod to his nose. Then he lost consciousness. They must have hit him again because his jaw and left cheek bone were broken, too. Jack felt he was lucky to be alive!

The next day he was moved from the intensive care unit. He was given a room overlooking the skyline of Dallas. Jack has never been in a big city. He was impressed. Next to him was a man who was about the same age. He was waiting for his surgery and paid no attention to Jack, who couldn't talk with all the wires in his mouth. So Jack looked out of the window. The man in the next bed, who had introduced himself as Bob, was picked up for his surgery and shortly afterwards came the doctor Jack had seen previously. He looked at the incision on Jack's stomach and said: "I think, we can remove the stitches soon. The catheter I can take out immediately. Then you can get up easier. The wires in your mouth will come out next week. Only the plaster on the arm will accompany you home."

"Home!" Jack thought "Where the hell is home?" The doctor had replaced the bandage on Jack's abdomen. Then with his left hand he grabbed Jack's penis, held it tightly and unblocked the bladder catheter with a syringe "A deep breath, Mr. Twist." Jack sucked in his breath audibly as the doctor pulled the tube out of his penis. "Don't worry everything will work like it did before." He held Jack's penis a moment too long and too tenderly, just so he could feel the approaching flow of blood of an erection under his fingertips. Jack's face was fiery red. The doctor didn't look at him. He put away the dirty bandages and cleaned hands thoroughly. The redness had disappeared from Jacks cheeks as the doctor turned and said goodbye to him.

A few hours later, after a liquid lunch, Lureen arrived. She was pale and thin in the face and carried a travel bag and a briefcase. When she looked at Jack, he saw in her eyes, how terrible he must look. He hadn't dared to look into a mirror.

"Hello, Jack." She blew a kiss on his cheek. "They told me, you can't talk." Jack nodded. "I'm so glad that you're alive! That you feel better. I was so worried about you!" It sounded sincere. She sat on the chair beside his bed.

"Randall came to see me. He has brought all your stuff. He left Childress and won't return. He hasn't left an address." Jack nodded weakly. Lureen sat silently for a moment, as if to gather strength for what she now wanted to say.

"Jack, I have to say a few things and honestly, it's hard for me." She picked up the briefcase, which she had brought, opened it and turned it so that Jack could look inside. On top was, his car keys and a garage parking ticket, along with an envelope containing cash and apparently including a lot of papers. Jack looked inquiringly at Lureens face, although he already knew what that meant.

"Jack, I loved you very much. It becomes painfully clear to me, as I washed your blood, from the back seat of my car. I didn't know whether you live or die. I just knew that I was once, in a similar back seat, the happiest woman in the world, because you had me in your arms."

Jack swallowed a few tears. He also had some really nice memories of the early days of their love. Lureen continued, a bit happy about the fact that Jack had to listen, without to be able to contradict her. "In this case are the divorce papers and all your personal papers. You will need them for your new life. Your other things are in your truck. I have parked it in the secure garage next to the clinic. I'll take the Greyhound back home."

She paused for a moment, then said the most difficult part: "You can never come back to Childress. I will be saying that you're dead." Very softly she added " To our son as well. I want to spare him and myself the shame of a gay father. He is teased enough, at school, because of your 'accident'."

Silence.

Jack knew she was right about everything she had said. He was eternally thankful to his now ex-wife. She had not only saved his life, she had dismissed him with decency and dignity from their marriage. Of course, everything in life has a price but he already knew that. The price he had to pay was the loss of his son. Lureen sat on the chair and looked very battered. The case was still on her knees. Jack gulped and stroked her with his right hand on the cheek. He pointed to want to write something. She closed the suitcase and placed it beside the bag on the floor. In her purse was found a notebook and a pen.

He found a blank page and wrote:

Please forgive me! I could not love you like you loved me. Believe me, I've tried. Thanks for everything. Kiss my son for me. Jack

Both of them were weeping. Lureen hugged Jack briefly and then left, very quickly. "Goodbye, Jack." She disappeared and Jack watched her go. He was aware of how large a part of his life Lureen had been. He felt that only now, at the moment she left the room.

Jack spent the rest of the day in bed, deep in thought about everything and glad to be alone. In the evening, the still sleeping, Bob was brought back to the room and the nurse came in and out a few times. Jack stared at the wall. When she came for the third time and Jack was still motionless, she stood in front of his bed and said

", are you all right?" Jack startled, shook off his stupor, and nodded to the nurse. She pointed to the bag which was on the floor beside the bed and asked, "Have you still not looked at, what your wife brought?" Jack shook his head. "Shall I help you unpack?" Jack nodded and the nurse proceeded to unpack the bag.

She found, clean clothes, new pajamas, two new jeans, shirts, socks, shoes and items for the washing and shaving. The clothes he had worn in his accident were in a plastic bag at the bottom of his wardrobe. Jack was glad he no longer needed them. They were still bloody and dirty. He gestured to the nurse to take the bag and throw it away. She went, but came back after a minute with a small plastic bag. "Mr. Twist, I think it's time for a hot shower." She put the bag over the cast on his arm and steered the bewildered Jack, along with the washing and shaving kit to the bathroom. Now he could no longer avoid looking in the mirror. From outside he heard the nurse "If you need help, please press the bell!"  
>Jack had often had a bruised face, but that was long ago, when he was still riding rodeos! The sight of himself now was appalling. Abrasions with scabs, bruising already changing from green to yellow, a seam across the bridge of the nose, and one in his left eyebrow. Not to mention the wire loops in his mouth, a nasty unshaven face and hair that was too long. He was pale and had lost ten pounds. Well, the ten pounds, he didn't want back.<p>

Lureen had not forgotten to pack anything. It was a blessing, after so many days in bed, to feel hot water run over his body, to shave and put on clean clothes. By the time he went to bed again, half an hour later, Jack felt like a new man. The nurse laughed: "You look a lot better! In a day or two you can certainly go to the lobby. There is a hairdresser there." She put his dinner, still a liquid diet on the table and suddenly Jack was ravenous. He couldn't wait until the wires were off his mouth and he could have his first steak!

That night, Jack dreamed of Ennis. He awoke at six o clock with the feeling of lying next to Ennis and was shocked when he realized where he was. Bob was snoring in the next bed. Jack couldn't sleep anymore and looked out of the window to watch the city wake up. He tried to imagine his future. His marriage was history. Randall had left without explanations, and to his son he was dead. That fact Jack hurt the most. And what about Ennis? Was he gone to Lightning Flat, or not? And would he want to stay there?

Before breakfast, the nurse came and took Jack into her office. "Mr. Twist, a phone call for you. Your mother! I already told her that you can't speak today, but she really wants to tell you something. "Jack was holding the phone to his ear and heard the familiar voice of his mom."Jack, darling, are you better? Don't worry. Everything here is running quite well. Get well and then come home." Jack growled a mh mh into the phone. "Honey, I love you! Please let me talk to the nurse again." Jack did not hear what his mother said to the nurse, only her reply: "Today is Friday, Monday he will have the wire loops removed and we will do some laboratory tests as a precaution. I estimated that by Wednesday he could go home. Please call again on Monday night, then your son will even be able to talk to you himself. Yes, please, you're welcome. Goodbye."

On Monday morning, the lab tech came with her tray and took blood samples from Jack and Bob as well, several tubes of blood for tests. Neither said a word during the procedure. A little later, the oral surgeon removed Jacks wire loops. He was pleased with the healing process. Jack was as well. Afterwards, he celebrated an orgy with his toothbrush and the subsequent dinner was one of the best meals of his life. In the afternoon he walked through the huge Hospital, looking for the hairdresser the nurse had mentioned. Jack was a little vain and he knew that he didn't exactly look so great right now. He was motivated if was going to start a new life then he was going to do it looking as good as possible!  
>He finally found the barber. He was the only customer and the hairdresser was delighted and took time to talk. Jack hadn't been able to talk to anyone for weeks and enjoyed it enormously. He wanted his hair cut short, as short as he had had it twenty years ago. Although his hair was not as black as it was twenty years ago he was still not quite gray. The barber said: "If you want, I can dye it black again. You will look ten years younger." Jack enjoyed the idea and said: "You know what, do it, I would like to be ten years younger, maybe I would have done some things differently."<p>

The hairdresser prepared the dye and said philosophically. "Unfortunately you can't turn back time, but you shouldn't have to see the years on your hair." When Jack left the barber an hour later, he was pleased with himself. When he came to the nurses' office, he heard a shriek of delight: "Ohla, you are fashionable today Mr. Twist!" He gave her a bright smile. "Thank you, madam!"  
>His roommate Bob was much better after his surgery and now the two men were finally able to talk a little. Bob of course, wanted to know what had happened to Jack. Jack stuck to the story about a traffic accident. "Oh, I was worried you have had a fight with a rodeo bull, but perhaps you are a bit too old for rodeo." Afterwards Jack thought it would be not a bad story if anyone asked about the scars. He could you just blame a rodeo bull!<p>

LIGHTNING FLAT / WYOMING

Ennis stood next to Mrs. Twist in the phone booth, at the post-office, in Lightning Flat. She had called the hospital in Dallas and was really excited. "Ennis, he's better! Monday I will call again and perhaps he'll be released on Wednesday. But he can't drive all that way! From Dallas! Ennis you have to pick him up! Please Ennis, you have to!" Ennis left the phone booth and pulled Mrs. Twist gently outside. He took her by the arm and said quietly: "Mom, calm down. He's doing better. Everything will be fine. It will turn out all right." He could understand her concern, but he was relieved, too, to hear that Jack could be discharged in a few days.

They drove home. Yes, that's what it felt like for Ennis. Home. Already, after only two weeks with Jack's mother. How would it be when he was finally together with Jack? He longed for Jack but he also had all his old doubts and fears of what people would think of them.

Ennis had to do some work, before lunch and Mrs. Twist disappeared right into the kitchen when they arrived at the Twist Ranch. Ennis was able to do some thinking about the future, while he worked. Although he knew, in his heart, exactly, what he wanted: Build a small cottage with a veranda for Jack's mom, renovate the main house for them both, buy good dairy cows, horses breed ... ... "Fuck! Del Mar, you're dreaming bullshit!" He said to himself.

When went back to the house for dinner Mrs. Twist had already calmed down considerably. They tried to find a way to bring home her lost son.

"Ennis, you're making a funny face. Is something wrong? Are you not happy to see Jack?" Ennis' face was red. "Yes, yes, very much, it's just ..." "What is it?" He hemmed and hawed a bit. "Well, I don't know whether I can stay here."

Mom looked at him angry "Why not? Because of what people could think about us! Ennis, people always see exactly what they want to see. They see a good father and husband. That when he gets home, he beats wife and children they don't see! And in you, they see the helpful friend of the family. It will be very fast and totally normal that you belong to our family. And what goes on at home, nobody's business! Can you live with that?" Ennis nodded silently. The old woman smiled at the stubborn cowboy at her table.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. A neighbor was standing outside. Mrs. Twist invited him to come in and he came straight to the point. "Well, my wife heard that Jack is in the hospital in Dallas. She wonders how he will get home on his own. So, I thought if Ennis goes to get him, my son and I would help as long as you need it." Mrs. Twist took the offer very gladly. She thanked him warmly, and did not mention that Jack certainly would need help himself and she would be glad indeed to have Ennis. "Yes, it is always good, to have a friend" the neighbor answered. Ennis also thanked him and politely said goodbye.

On Friday morning Jack's Mom was rattling a little louder than usual in the kitchen. She was humming to herself. When Ennis came down for breakfast, he saw that she had dressed very nicely.

"Good morning. Going out today, because you're all prettied up?" She smiled, put the pan with the eggs on the table, pouring fresh coffee into both cups and sat down with Ennis at the table. "We both have to do something important today." "Ah yes what's that?" Ennis asked between bites. "We have to drive into town and book a Greyhound ticket to Dallas and we have to buy something important. For this we need to clean the bed of the truck."

Ennis looked up from his plate. "The ticket, I understand, but why do we need to clean out the truck?" Mrs. Twist was delighted at her own idea and wanted to tease Ennis a bit, therefore she only said "You'll see. Tonight you have one more important task." Ennis said no more and finished his breakfast with his customary cigarette.  
>In Lightning Flat there was no Greyhound station so they had to go into the next major city. It was good timing to buy a ticket to Dallas today, because the bus was nearly fully booked. Ennis wanted to get going on Monday in the morning so that he would be in Dallas on Wednesday. When that was done, Ennis looked inquiringly at Jack's mom. She said: "OK, now I can let the cat out of the bag. We need to drive to the industrial area. There is a large furniture store there."<p>

Ennis was rather slow-witted. He still did not know what she really wanted, but he went bravely to the huge furniture store. "What do you like here?" "It doesn't matter what I like, it matters what you like!" Ennis finally understood. He blushed and could not look at her. This woman was impossible! He was with Jack's mother, in a furniture shop, to buy a bed or two for Jack and himself! "Ennis don't make such a face. Where will you sleep when you get home? The bed in Jack's room is too little for one of you let alone two" she whispered softly to him. This was true. So they sought out two identical beds. Ennis didn't want to buy a double bed. He could put them together with screws if needed. Then they got mattresses, blankets, pillows, and Mrs. Twist also wanted new bedding. Ennis was all kind of embarrassed. But when he thought of the coming nights with Jack ... ...He felt his heart beating faster.

The girl at the checkout said to Jack's Mom "Your daughter in law will be very happy." After they had packed all their purchases into the truck and were on the way home, Mrs. Twist asked "Ennis, did you notice?"

"What?" "People will always only see what they want, like the girl at the cash. You know what I mean?" Ennis mumbled "Hm"

The rest of the way home, he thought about the fact that he now had a bed where he would be able to sleep with Jack. Sleep and everything else you could do in bed. Just the thought excited him so much that, he could hardly stand to wait several more days to see Jack again. In the evening, after dinner, Ennis removed Jack's old bed and built the two new beds. Jacks mom helped him a bit and now he wasn't as embarrassed. They celebrated their work and the surprise this bedroom would be for Jack. That first night the new bed felt far too big for Ennis, but he still slept with a great anticipation.

The weekend was busy. Ennis had to be early at the Greyhound station early Monday morning and he didn't want to leave too much work for his neighbors. Jack's mother packed a travel bag for him and had done a lot of laundry. They were both as excited as kids on Christmas morning!

Early on Monday morning, Ennis boarded the Greyhound bus to Dallas and started his long journey to Texas. He had the admonitions of Mrs. Twist still in his ear, to make sure to take enough breaks on the way back home. But this was for his benefit as well. He would be happy to be alone with Jack for a few days. Would Jack like to see him again? Ennis thought about their last goodbye and the fight during their last meeting and he hoped he wouldn't make any more mistakes.

In the evening Mrs. Twist called Jack at the hospital. He was able to calm her down and said he was looking forward to going home on Wednesday. He did not ask her about Ennis. The nurses were standing next to him and he did not want to share a private conversation. His mother also said nothing of Ennis. She thought that his arrival should be a nice surprise for her son.

Dallas, Texas

Tuesday.

In the morning the doctor came to into Jack's hospital room. He was in good spirits and announced that all the laboratory tests were in order and that Jack would be released on Wednesday. A little less cheerfully he said to Jack, "I would like to talk to you this afternoon." Jack nodded.

The day passed slowly. Jack packed his things. It was not easy with one arm in a cast and he wondered whether he could drive the car. In the afternoon he had just tried on his new jeans when the nurse called him into the doctor's office. He was sitting fully dressed, at the doctor's desk and felt quite healthy already. On the table was a badge: Dr. Peter Macintosh. Jack did not know yet whom he owed his thanks for life-saving operations.

"Hello, Mr. Twist, or may I call you Jack?" "Hello, Doc." "Please call me Mac, like everyone does." They shook hands and Jack was excited to see what the doctor would have to say. "Jack, I am very satisfied with your progress. You are a strong man and have come through everything better than I had expected. I would just like to know, if you can remember the incident? "

He avoided the word accident. Jack looked straight at his face and asked if that was important. "You know, I've seen hundreds of injured patients and your injuries did not match the information that we received about the accident." Mac looked at Jack openly.

"May I show you something?" Jack nodded and looked in bewilderment at the photographs of twenty men. They had battered faces and bodies like he had. He swallowed worried about which direction this conversation would go now.

"What do these men have to do with me?" He asked Mac.

"Nothing because you're still alive and they are all on statistics on violent crimes, against homosexuals and are all gone. I thought that we left these things behind us and our country had become more tolerant. These pictures are at least ten years old. And then you arrive on my operating table and it takes all my skills and a whole night to save your life. I think it was an 'accident' with three or four criminals! I just want to know if I'm right that the violence against us doesn't stop?"

Jack winced. Mac had said 'us'. So he was gay too. Jack fought with himself for a moment. Then he thought "He saved my life. I should tell him my story." In a way we are brothers brothers." Jack grinned and said:"It is not a quick story. Do you have some time?"

"As much as you need, I'm done work and at no one's waiting for me at home."

Jack told his life story in few words, only the events that had taken him to Macs operating table were told in detail. Mac was a good listener. After half an hour he said "Jack, I'm rude. Would you like something to drink?"

" Sure, as long as it's not tea." Mac grinned and took two bottles of beer from a small refrigerator. They drank from the bottle and Mac sat down next to Jack to listen to him further. Jack felt was able to speak openly and when he had finished his story, with the fainting after the blow to the nose, Mac told him what had happened while he slept. The story was shocking and Jack realized that, what had happened to him was exactly what Ennis had been frightened of for the last twenty years. He had just been lucky.

"Jack, is everything OK? You're very quiet. Is the beer getting to you, or the shocks of what I said?" Mac put his arm around Jack, sounding worried.

"No, it's all good. Although I do already feel the beer and it's scary what you told me but I just thinking about a friend. Actually he's more than that, and he's lived his whole life afraid of something because of what he saw as a child. A dead rancher, the ... " Jack swallowed and couldn't go on. The injuries he had were not only physical. He suddenly had tears in his eyes and could not hold back. Mac was quiet. He knew exactly what was going on in Jack's head.

Mac held him and Jack cried a few minutes on Macs shoulder. When he could speak he said softly, "Sorry I didn't mean to lose it that way." He broke away from the other man's arms. After a few minutes silence, Mac took out two more bottles of beer and said "Jack, I thank you for your confidence. I want to tell you something. Or are you too tired?"

"No. no, I'll listen to you. "Mac turned on the small lamp on his desk and turned it away from them. He sat down next to Jack, and began to talk softly "I was about nineteen years old and in high school, when I couldn't deny any longer that I loved men. Not, that I hadn't dated any women. On the contrary, the women liked me but I was always just friends with them but at some point they expected to be kissed, which I never did. In short, I had to tell someone about me.

"Jack leaned closer to him. "What did you say?" "Well that I can only be friends and that only men turn me on." "And then?" "Hysterical screaming, and a whole range of criticism."

Jack knew what Mac meant. Lureen had reacted similarly. Mac went on softly, and Jack could feel how hard it had been for him over the ensuing talk. He looked into Mac's face and saw similar doubts and fears as Ennis and himself. It was difficult to see it plainly like that.

"OK, she was angry and hurt. But what she did to me was beyond all my nightmares." Mac swallowed and Jack could see that they were cruel memories. After a large swig from the beer bottle Mac went on. "She made it public. Not just to her friends, but in the school newspapers and on the bulletin board! That year I learned what it means to be hated, and how much, or little, a friendship is worth. I was insulted, spat upon, beaten, my car was scratched, my parents attacked and one day I was at the point where I contemplated, jumping off a bridge."

Jack swallowed and asked quietly "-And then?-" "I changed Schools? I tried to keep away from conflict.

Then I met Chris. He was my first love, it was very intense ..." At this point, Mac released some tears, but only briefly and then said firmly." He was killed in an attack like I showed you in the pictures. Because no one there helped him! That was the reason I went to medical school. I hoped never to see such trauma again, so I was shocked by your story." Quietly he added "I didn't know if you were gay but I felt your blood flowing as I removed the catheter."

Jack looked down embarrassed. So much frankness startled him. "Hey, I'm a doctor, I'm surprised by anything physical. Sorry. I did not mean to get too close to borders."

"It's all right. Anyway it's true." Jack felt the two beers all of a sudden and longed for his bed. In the morning he was allowed to go home. This conversation had hit him hard, even though it was good to know that he was not alone with his problems. He looked into Mac's eyes deeply and saw sadness and loneliness.

Jack whispered, "Thank you, thank you for everything. I won't forget you."

Mac looked at Jack's blue eyes and stole a tiny kiss. Then he got up, turned his back to Jack and said "I don't think we'll see each other again. I wish you all the best."

Jack stood up, touched Macs shoulder gently and left the room. Meanwhile it was late at night and Jack went straight to bed without delay.

Tbc. soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Home!

Ennis

The bus ride was long and boring. The landscape flew by. The conversations of fellow passengers made Ennis sleepy. The Monday went by and towards evening it began to rain. Ennis was thinking about, how many times, Jack had driven this route in the past years. And always by himself in the car, not sleeping on the bus like him. Jack had never grumbled about it. He was always very happy to see Ennis. Often, Jack had even been waiting at their meeting point. Once, after the divorce, Jack had misunderstood him on the phone and came all the way down, for nothing. Ennis sent him away easily. He regretted that for a long time. Jack had never talked about it since.

Ennis tried to imagine their reunion. He knew that there was no turning back for him, now. When he picked up Jack and took him to Lightning Flat, it should be forever. But would Jack want it all? Him too? The thought that it might be too late for them tormented Ennis. He also didn't know who Randall was. His fear and excitement grew more, the closer he came to Dallas. The night passed and the next day. Tuesday night, the bus reached Dallas.

Ennis found a cheap hotel near the station. The woman at the reception was very nice and told him about a nice and cheap restaurant at the end of the road. After dinner he asked her for directions to the St. Paul University Hospital. She asked what he wanted to do there. He replied, "I have to pick up my brother there. He had an accident and can't drive." She explained the way to him. Ennis thanked her and went to bed quickly. He had never been in a big city before and did not know, how long he would need to reach the hospital. He doesn't want to miss Jack, in any case, so he planned to get up early.

The city was loud and Ennis was unaccustomed to so much street noise. He didn't sleep much, and when he did, he slept poorly. At six o clock in the morning, he left the hotel to go to the hospital. The woman had described the route well and by seven o'clock Ennis stood in front of the hospital. He smoked a cigarette and wondered if he should wait here, at the door, or maybe ask at the reception for Jack. Perhaps there was more than one entrance. His nervousness grew more and more and he was afraid about the reunion with Jack, but at the same time there was nothing he wanted more!

He lit another cigarette.

Jack

Jack fell fast asleep after his meeting with Dr. Macintosh and the two bottles of beer. He had some confusing dreams and woke up at six o clock. Today he could go home. He dressed, packed his last things and said goodbye to Bob. Leaving the room he went to the nurses station, to ask her for directions to the garage where Lureen had parked his car.

"Mr. Twist you don't have to be in such a hurry to get away from us! Won't you have a coffee with me, before you go? " Jack nodded. As he drank the coffee, she explained the way to the parking garage.  
>The nurse looked over Jack's shoulder, through the window of her office to the corridor. Suddenly her eyes widened. Men such as the one who approached them now weren't seen often in the hospital. She muttered "What does the COWBOY probably want here and so early in the morning?" Jack turned around quickly. There was Ennis! Incredible! Ennis, who never voluntarily stepped a foot outside Wyoming stood here, in the hospital in Dallas Texas, at that morning on which he was allowed to go home!<p>

Jack jumped up and the two men looked at each other deeply. And all was well. Ennis went up to Jack and they embraced each other. The nurse had the feeling that she was intruding and walked away. Ennis said softly, "Jack! You're alive! I'm so glad to see you!"

They broke away from each other and Jack said, quite breathless, "Ennis, what are you doing here?" Ennis looked into Jack's eyes and what he saw there, eased his mind. He gave the answer he had worked out on the long bus ride. "I am here to pick you up so we can go home together." The emphasis was on 'we' and 'home'. Jack knew Ennis well. They had always understood each other without many words. Ennis took Jack's things and they walked together from the hospital to the parking garage to get to Jack's car. Ennis wondered why the entire trunk was packed, but did not ask. Not yet. There were many unanswered questions and much to explain but there would be time enough for all of that. Initially the city traffic caught Ennis' attention. Jack sat, still astonished, in the passenger seat and could hardly believe his luck. This surprise from Ennis had really been a success.

When they had finally left the city, Ennis asked about the divorce, and Jack told him the whole story. This time, he spoke more kindly of Lureen than before. He was grateful to her, although the loss of Bobby hurts him. Ennis listened and then asked, "Don't we have go to Childress to pick up your things?" "No, everything is already in the trunk and in Childress everyone thinks I'm dead." It sounded a little bitter.

"Yes, but you're also free." Jack looked at Ennis and then asked provocatively: "Free, yes, but for what?" There was a pause. Ennis had expected that question. He knew he had to make the biggest decision of his life and he wanted to be sure he didn't say the wrong thing this time. He stopped at the roadside and saw Jack's face. His voice trembled slightly when he said "For me, if you want?"

The world went a little dark for Jack. He had waited so long for this question and now he couldn't answer. He heard Ennis voice as if from far away "Jack, hey Jack, is all right? Open your eyes!" He found himself in Ennis arms again and as soon as he could speak he asked "Do you still want me? There are so many things you need to know." "I always wanted you and we'll talk about everything, but right now we should buy a decent breakfast. You're not really top shape." Ennis was right. It was late morning and neither of them had eaten anything, yet. When the eggs with bacon and the coffee cups were in front of them, Jack could feel how hungry he was. They ate with relish and Ennis spoke of his experiences in Lightning Flat. He left nothing out, not even the nightly conversation with Jack's mother. Jack was amazed at Ennis openness.

"I've always thought she knew something, but she never said a word to me." "Your dad was probably a difficult person. She didn't seem to have an easy time with him, but now she's moving on." Ennis was thinking of the episode in the furniture store and was looking forward to the surprise of the new bed. They drove on, and Jack realized that he was still not as strong, as he had thought. His eyes fell. Ennis turned on the radio, smoked, sometimes watched his sleeping friend. He loved Jack and it made him happy beyond words that he was still alive. He would even take care, that not a single, precious moment of life would be wasted more.  
>In the early evening, they looked for a motel and Ennis asked at the reception for a double room. When the woman inquired, why, he said calmly: "You see that my brother needs help." And pointed to Jack's arm cast. They closed the door behind them. "So your 'brother' needs help." Jack grinned broadly and said, "I didn't think, you could lie so brazenly." I learned it from your Mom. People see what they want to see. There must be something to see. Today, there are two brothers." Jack laughed," Yes, but from different parents! "<p>

Much later, after a long dinner and several bottles of beer, they returned to their room. The sexual tension between them was palpable, but neither of them dared to touch the other. Ennis pulled off all his clothes and went to shower. Jack took off all his clothes and went to bed. He covered himself up and thought it would be better if Ennis saw the scars right away. He had to tell the whole story anyway. It was better to do it now.

Ennis came out of the shower and Jack lifted the blanket so that his friend could lay down by his side. He tried not to stare at Ennis erection. Ennis however, did stare at the scar on Jack's belly. He lay down beside Jack and clung to him carefully. Jack lifted the blanket slightly and said softly: "They had to remove my spleen because it was torn. And my bladder had to be stitched up. In my cheekbone is a small plate and on my radius and ulna as well."

"What happened, Jack?" "What you were afraid of for twenty years. There were three of them." Jack was quite calm. Ennis began to tremble and Jack felt tears on his shoulder. He said nothing and Ennis cried quietly. They were tears of despair but also of relief that Jack still was alive.  
>They were very close that night and incredibly brave. Finally the lies and all the unspoken words of the last twenty years came to light. Both of them tried not to blame the other. They both listened patiently to the other. They had always respected each other and it was showed that night.<p>

There was only one difference. When they woke the next morning and looked at each other it was clear that the friendship had turned to a more serious relationship. Ennis took Jack in his arms, pulled him up and said quietly: "I will never leave you alone again."

Jack rested happily in Ennis arms and whispered in his ear: "And when will I get what I wanted badly, yesterday evening?" "I don't know what you mean. You'll have to tell me exactly what you want!" Ennis grinned at Jack when his uninjured hand touched Ennis excited dick. They made love to each other as tenderly as possible. Ennis was afraid to hurt Jack.

Afterwards, he asked Jack if he still remembered their very first time. "I'll never forget. Although I was disappointed, that you ran away in the morning." "I never told you, but I was pretty ashamed for that." "What!" snorted Jack "I hurt you so much that night, because I couldn't control myself. I saw the blood in the morning."

Jack had to refrain from laughing. "Oh Ennis! Do you think I would have let you if I didn't want it! I wanted you, for weeks at that point! The whole time I thought, you didn't want me!"

Ennis didn't feel like laughing. He was quite serious. "I want you to understand me. We've had more than enough misunderstandings. I wanted to apologize to you, for saying, this was a onetime thing. You know, the next night… Shit, I'm so bad at stuff like this… "

"Ennis, what are you trying to say?" Now, Jack was also very serious. Ennis said nothing and searched for the right words. He thought about them for a long time. Since their time on Brokeback, but he had never before ventured to say them. He put his head close to Jack and whispered the three words softly in his ear. Jack answered gently, "I love you too, Ennis."

They lay snuggled together for a while, both of them happy to feel the skin of the other. Soon, though their hunger grew and they made their way to a café on the other side of the street for breakfast. Jack felt luckier than ever before in his life. It felt like a honeymoon although he kept that thought for himself. He was beaming and people, who looked at them, were able to see, that they were lovers, even if they avoided touching each other.  
>Breakfast was good. They were both hungry and enjoyed eating together. Ennis noticed how slim Jack had become. He liked the short hair and clean-shaven face. The scars troubled him, but they would probably fade soon. Jack told him a few stories from the hospital which in retrospect he found hilarious. They laughed together, and paid no attention to the other guests in the restaurant.<p>

At the counter, three oil workers were drinking coffee. Suddenly one of the three, came over to Jack and Ennis' table, leaned down and asked, in a menacing tone "What are you two fags doing here with us? You better bugger off!"

Ennis was immediately on his feet. The man was lying on the floor faster than he could realize what happened. Jack held Ennis back. The two other workers helped their colleague to his feet. The waitress said. "Frank if you don't calm down, I'm gonna call the cops!" Frank gave a hostile look to Ennis and mumbled something unintelligible.

The good mood was gone. They paid their breakfast and set off again. They drove in silence, each of them lost in his thoughts. Both realized how much courage it would require to live together.

After some time had passed, Ennis wanted to get an answer to the question, that had been burning in his mind for so long. "Jack?" "Hmh", "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure," There was a long pause. Ennis had a lump in his throat. "Ennis, what do you want?" Ennis gulped audibly and Jack looked at him, worried. Something seemed to bother Ennis. "Jack, who the fuck is Randall?"

Now it was Jack's turn to swallow. They had promised to speak openly but Jack knew that he would hurt Ennis, with the facts about Randall. "How do you know about Randall?" "Your mother had me confused with him when I first arrived, but she never told me who he is and now I'm thinking about it all the time ... ..." Jack stared at the road in front of them. He did not want to hurt Ennis but he could not lie anymore. "It's a long story."

"I'm afraid so." Came the reply back and Jack registered the anger but also the desperation in Ennis' voice. It was a cloudy and windy day. The landscape around them was boring and dull. The road was dead straight. For at least an hour they had seen no one. So there was no chance for Jack to escape this thorny topic, or come back to it later. He thought about how he could tell Ennis as gently as possible about Randall. Ennis was silent too. He could wait. Now it was Jacks turn to be open. Ennis gave him time. But his fear of what Jack had to tell, grew along with his anger.  
>"Ennis" "Hmh" "Do you remember our last trip in May?" "Sure." "I told you about a woman in the neighborhood who I had a small affair with. Well, it wasn't the woman. It was her husband, Randall. He was a foreman on a ranch. We got to know him and his wife at a ball in Childress. I immediately felt, that he wasn't flirting to Lureen, but to me.<p>

"Ennis said nothing, trying to take in this story. Jack went on: "We became friends… and more…." "Clearly! Otherwise you would hardly tell your parents that you want to come live there with HIM!" Ennis almost cried. Jack winced. Ennis was furious and could only speak with difficulty. Jack tried to keep his voice from trembling. What he had to say next would be the straw that broke the camel's back. That much was perfectly clear. He had known Ennis long enough to know that. "In May, after our argument, I thought it was over between us! I didn't want any of it any longer. The marriage to Lureen, the unsatisfactory relationship with you, where we spent no time together! I wanted to have a future with a MAN!"

He had said it. Loud and clearly. Ennis stopped the car and jumped out, ripped open the passenger door and stood in front of Jack with a clenched fist. Jack stared at him. "What, Ennis? Do YOU want to beat me now, because I'm gay?" Ennis jerked back and screamed "Fuck you!" and ran off into the deserted, desolate landscape.  
>Jack was shaking in the car and tried to calm down. His injuries were not even completely healed and he knew from personal experience how much force Ennis del Mar was able to put into a punch. Very briefly he toyed with the idea of leaving, but in the end he didn't. Ennis would definitely come back soon, they would let two or three hours go by and then when the night had spread the veil of darkness over them, they would talk about everything. Or so Jack thought. Ennis didn't come back. It was midday and then afternoon. When it began to get dark, Jack started to worry. Ennis had run away as he was without a coat, without a hat. It was already dark and it would get cold quickly. Jack walked around and looked out in the direction Ennis had disappeared. Nothing. "Then I'll have to try something different." he thought. He opened the trunk and looked for the tent and the sleeping bags. He found everything. It was a bit troublesome with the cast on his arm, but after a while, the tent was set up beside the car and Jack was trying to prepare an acceptable camp. Now it was really cold and windy. In all that time not a single car had passed. Jack thought of Ennis. He longed for his friend. He hoped that they would find a way for them both to get past this, but he wasn't sure, if Ennis wanted that, too. Eventually he fell asleep.<p>

When Jack, woke up early in the next morning, all was well. Ennis was lays beside him sleeping. Jack hadn't heard him return. He looked at his sleeping friend and his heart was full of love. The years had also left their marks in Ennis, but that didn't matter to Jack. He loved Ennis as he was. Ennis seemed to feel Jack looking at him. He suddenly opened his eyes and looked straight into Jack's blue eyes. These blue eyes had always made him crazy. They looked at each other in silence. Jack saw fear and loneliness in Ennis' eyes. Ennis saw courage and love in Jack's.

Ennis looked down. He had spent some really hard hours in the deserted landscape. He was thrown back to his old problems. He had screamed and cursed, prayed, fought and cried. It was difficult and very painful. He was almost forty years old. Life would certainly not give him many more opportunities for a bit of luck. Jack had sent the telegram to him, probably to show him for the last time, what he might lose. But the price was high! Ennis had to reverse his image of himself completely. He was not the man he wanted to be. He had never been. When it finally got dark, he became worried that Jack might have driven on without him. The relief he felt when he finally lay down beside his sleeping friend was immeasurable.

Now, he had to say it. Say it out loud. Who else could he say it to, if not Jack?

"Jack" "Hmh" "I'm gay, too. And I'm afraid." Jack took him in his arms and said softly," I know. I'm afraid, too sometimes, but I feel better when we're together."

Ennis stayed in Jack's arms with his eyes closed. He didn't know whether to feel better or worse after his confession. Jack held him a long time and thought about, how to give his friend the kind of bliss Ennis knew nothing of. But this wasn't the right moment ... ..

"Ennis" "Yeah" "I have to piss." The magical, intimate moment was broken. They both laughed and got up.  
>When they drove through a village, two hours later, they found that they were approaching the end of their trip. But there was still a lot to clarify. They also wanted to be on their own for a little bit longer. They had breakfast and did some shopping at the local supermarket. Jack pretended to need toothpaste in order to look at the drugstore shelf for massage oil. He found it and paid, along with the toothpaste and a bottle of whiskey. Tonight, Ennis would lose his innocence. Jack knew that he would have to drink a little, -to have enough courage.<p>

Ennis, of course knew nothing of Jack's plans and was delighted at the sight of the whiskey bottle and planned on spending a night with Jack in the usual way: Drinking, talking, fast hard sex, probably more than once.

They drove until it was time for supper. The motel room was newly renovated and the beds were new as well. Jack was looking forward to the evening. He was excited as he was going on a date. Ennis still didn't know what Jack was planning. They ate steaks and drank beer. The waitress tried to flirt with Ennis, but he only had eyes for Jack. Jack could tell that Ennis wanted to go. So he lit a cigarette and ordered two more beers, drinking his slowly. Quietly, Ennis said. "Drink that now and let's go." "Why? It's comfortable here." Ennis got involved in the game and whispered," Come on, I'll make you quite comfortable… in our bed." Jack risked it "No, same game but different rules today. I want to do you and you will enjoy it." Ennis wanted to contradict, but Jack didn't let him. "I waited for you for several hours, yesterday. Today, you'll give me your body, for one hour." He smiled whimsically at Ennis.

They went. They showered. When Jack came out from the shower with wet hair, Ennis was on the bed and looked interested in Jack's stiff cock. They had been with each other for a long time but what Jack wanted to do today was all new to Ennis and he was scared, though he loved it so much, the other way around. Jack dimmed the lights and took the whiskey and the massage oil. He turned on the radio and said to Ennis with a grin. "Nobody has to hear you cry…"

Ennis felt funny. He had never done this before. He took a big gulp of whiskey, turned on his stomach and growled, "Come on, do what you can't leave. Get it over with." Jack could imagine, how Ennis must feel, but he only said, "For one hour you belong to me and if you ask me to do something then I'll do it, but not otherwise."

Ennis was relieved. He had no idea, HOW much he would beg Jack. And it wouldn't take even half an hour.

Jack poured oil on Ennis back. Ennis was slim and wiry. The effects of years of hard work could be seen but Jack loved Ennis' body. He enjoyed distributing the oil on Ennis who relaxed quickly under Jacks gentle touch. Jack only had one hand available, but he was able to give Ennis a tremendous feeling of wellbeing. As his fingers moved for the first time to his buttocks and between, Ennis startled, but a few minutes later he let it happen, surprised about his growing excitement .

As Jack massaged the entrance carefully, with his fingertips, he could fell that Ennis was very turned on. He pushed himself against Jack's hand. As Jack's finger penetrated him the first time, Ennis moaned with pleasure. He dropped into the exciting feelings and gave himself up to Jack. Jack felt that Ennis wanted, more, but he added only a second finger and he moved very gently. He knew that the whole thing could be finished quickly. He didn't want to hurt Ennis but he didn't want him to have an orgasm either. Not yet.

Ennis moaned with desire for more. "Oh, Jack, please ... ... come on, do it! I wanna feel you!" Ennis pressed out hoarse the words, Jack wanted to hear. He sat down on Ennis' legs and poured oil on his ass once again and on his own hard cock as well. He forced his way slowly and carefully into Ennis. It was easy. Ennis braced himself against Jack and after a few gentle bumps, against his most sensitive point, Ennis came hard. He screamed his delight in the pillow and reared under Jack, like a rodeo bull. The intense, pulsating orgasm made Jack forget everything. He thrust a few times, with almost no control and climaxed in Ennis with a deep cry of lust.

Afterwards, he lay down next to Ennis, still trembling with desire. Ennis had buried his face in the pillow as he tried to calm down. He had never had such intense feelings during sex. It was all new to him being the passive partner. He had entrusted Jack and was not disappointed but had received a gift. After a while, Jack put his arm around Ennis and asked softly, "Hey, you, all right?" Ennis looked up from the pillow at Jack. He did need to say anything. It was visible, how good it was! Just, as Jack had wished.

He wanted an equal partnership, in life and in bed too. It would provide them with an unexpected pleasure, to exchange roles occasionally. Ennis also seemed to see it that way, because after some time to breathe and 'reload' he urged Jack to turn around, for his turn to use the massage oil. When they fell asleep later, not only the oil bottle was empty ….

During the night a storm swept across the country. Ennis was woken by a loud clap of thunder. His arm was asleep because Jack was resting his head on it. He drew it gently from underneath Jack and walked quietly into the bathroom. When his eyes caught the mirror, he suddenly realized what had happened tonight. Jack had had him, from behind ... ... ...!

Inwardly he wanted to have Jack once again to feel that charge that had pushed him into something he did not want. He looked in the mirror and when he was honest with himself, he knew this wasn't true. He had wanted it tonight! Absolutely! Back in the tent on that mountain, he had also wanted it. Just as hot and intense as Jack did! Perhaps, even more than Jack. Jack had just kept quiet. He himself had been full of uncontrolled passion and pushed his cock in Jack. He, Ennis had been madly in love with the boy with the blue eyes!

Twenty long years he had wasted, with longing and self-deception. He had only yielded to his feelings, when he couldn't longer suppress it. Now he wanted to live at last! The period of self-denial was over! It was also about last night. It was so very good to feel Jack that way! So close! He could understand instantly what Jack had painfully missed, when he had to wait a long time, for one of their rare meetings.

As Ennis slipped back into bed, Jack was also awake. He asked, "All right?" Ennis replied softly, "Yes sure. I'm just wondering just what happened to Randall. . You haven't told me the whole thing." Jack looked at Ennis and said, "I will only tell it once and then, I never want to hear his name again." Ennis nodded and Jack told him about the infamous, drunken, helpless night and all that following. Ennis listened quietly. When Jack was finished with the story, Ennis growled: "He should be happy that he's gone, he is just as guilty as the men who bashed you! He had better keep his mouth shut." Jack had not looked at it that way, but it wasn't without logic.

The storm did not stop and when they left, early the next morning they drove in rain mixed with snow. "Welcome to Wyoming, my friend." Ennis said. Jack didn't answer. He was absorbed in thought. He looked forward to his mother and his home, but suddenly he was also aware of the loss of his father. Although he always had a difficult relationship with him, he was his father. The last few weeks had been very stressful for Jack and he suddenly longed for quiet and some time to process everything.

"Ennis?" "Hmh" Will you stay in Lightning Flat?" Ennis was silent for a moment. Jack could also did ask, "Will you marry me?" For Ennis the importance of the issue would have been the same. He looked at Jack and said in a strong voice "Yes." Jack smiled at him and nodded. Everything was said. Everything would be fine.  
>The storm continued. As they passed a signpost to Riverton, Ennis thought, for a brief moment about Alma and his children. It seemed as if that wasn't his life. As though, he had seen it only from the outside.<p>

It was already dark, when they drove into the yard of the Twist Ranch. Jack's mother ran happily out of the door, when she saw Jack's car. "You're here! I'm so happy! I thought you were lost in the snow somewhere!" She hugged her son and Ennis as well. He felt a bit uncomfortable. After they talked and ate a little bit in the warm kitchen, Ennis went into the barn to check on his horses. But also wanted to give Jack and his mother an opportunity to be alone for a moment.

"Darling, are you well? Do you have pain? " She sounded worried " Mom I'll be healed soon. The cast on my arm will come off in two weeks and then I can work again soon." Mrs. Twist looked seriously at her son and asked him cautiously if Ennis would remain on the ranch. He understood, that she meant not only to help his recovery, but for always. Jack thought for a moment and then decided on the truth. "We love each other." His mother nodded and said softly "I know. It is okay. I like Ennis. It's just, I don't know ... ... " She broke off the sentence. Jack had always had a good relationship with his mother. He could imagine what was making her uncomfortable and he did not want to put her in an awkward situation."Mom… we will…." He gulped, "You won't hear us. Is that okay for you? "His mother smiled and said softly:" I only want you to be happy. We'll figure everything out."

Ennis came back from the barn. The horses had been treated well by the neighbors. He had planned to thank them most warmly for it. It was getting too late to unload the car. Mrs. Twist still made a hot cup of tea and Jack began to think about where they would sleep tonight. "Ennis, what are you smiling at? We can't sleep together in my childhood bed. Hardly enough space for one of us!" Mom laughed and said," I'm going to bed. Good night. Sleep well." She disappeared into her bedroom. Ennis was still smiling at Jack. Jack was becoming frustrated "Should we sleep in the barn, or what?" Ennis stood up and took Jack by the arm with an unusually affection grip and pulled him upstairs to the door of his room. He slowly opened the door, pushed a gentle kiss on Jack's neck and said quietly "Welcome home, Jack."

Jack was a surprised. Two new beds, side by side, with obviously, new pillows, blankets and bed covers. Jack was speechless with astonishment. This must have taken so much work! When they had made themselves comfortable in bed, Ennis told Jack of the extremely embarrassing episode, from the furniture store.

Jack laughed "Yes, if my mom wants something, she wants it! But I have to say – you've given me a nice surprise." They slept nestled close to each other, as they always did when they slept together in one bed.  
>Early in the next morning, Jack's mom got up and went to the bathroom. She could not resist the temptation to open the door a little and take a quick look at the two sleeping men. Ennis had his arm around Jack. Both were fast asleep an all doubt was swept from her heart. These two are in love. This couldn't be wrong. Life was just not as simple, as simple minds might imagine. She closed the door quietly and was convinced that everything would be fine.<p>

But she wasn't able to fall asleep again. So she stayed up and provided a warm kitchen and a decent breakfast. It was Sunday. She was grateful that her son was still alive and was almost completely recovered. She wanted to go to the church today, most of all together with Jack and Ennis.

Jack and Ennis had slept well, as you can only sleep at home. As the aroma of fresh coffee and pancakes went through the house, they were soon lively. Ennis pulled Jack close to him and said softly "Good morning Cowboy, sleep well? Would you like to eat breakfast, before, or after?" Jack turned to Ennis, embraced him and whispered "Preferably after ... "  
>Love-making in the morning was always very nice but both knew that they didn't want, Jack's mom to hear them. It wasn't necessary to talk about it. After one gentle half-hour, they stood up.<p>

Jack went into the kitchen first. His mother had just set the table and she was humming a tune from the radio. Jack felt strange. Perhaps it was because his mother knew that he and Ennis were a couple. Ennis wasn't any different. Jack saw it in his eyes when he sat opposite to him at the breakfast table. His mother didn't create an embarrassing situation. She served them coffee with good humor and then talked about her desire to go to church. After breakfast, they unloaded everything from the car that Lureen had packed and piled it all in the corridor. It would not be easy to find a place for all of it that was clear.  
>As Ennis came into the barn to feed the horses, Billy, the sixteen-year-old son of the neighbors was there throwing down hay from the hayloft. He welcomed Ennis in a friendly manner "Hey, Ennis! Back again! Is Jack alright? " "Hi Billy! Yes, he'll be fine, just got a cast on his arm for another two weeks. Thank you for the horses. Have you been doin' this the whole time?" Billy grinned down from the hayloft "Yes, I liked doing it, Peggy helped!" Ennis looked at the grinning boy and thought about what the horses might have heard in the last few days. "Ah, Peggy helped you. And then you probably just 'cleaned up' the hayloft!" Billy blushed and hastened to say:"? Ennis you won't squeal on me to my Dad will you? "Ennis laughed and said "I will tell him that you have really helped me and I am grateful. Is that OK with you and with Peggy?" Billy climbed, still blushing from the hayloft and said "Thank you." before he disappeared.<p>

Ennis felt horrible at the church. Jack was no different. Contrary to all their fears, they were welcomed by neighbors and acquaintances in a friendly manner. Jack was asked about his accident and praised Ennis for his help and no one even slightly looked at them strangely. Mrs. Twist was pleased. During the service she looked right and left to Jack and Ennis and tried to imagine the life of her new family.

Later, at lunch, the awkward mood vanished and they started to make plans for the future. Jack's mother had already talked with Ennis about her desires. She would like a few dairy cows and to add on to the house including a veranda. Jack knew that his mother had always dreamed of a big veranda and that his father had always been against it. She was pleased to hear that they both agreed to and were happy to build an addition with a bedroom, a bathroom and a living room for her, of course with a covered porch. She already saw herself sitting in a comfortable rocking chair. Jack wanted to tear up walls and arrange new rooms for Ennis and himself. Ennis dreamed aloud of calves and foals. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon!

Later as Jack's mother cleaned the dishes, Ennis persuaded Jack to come to the barn to consider how best to add cows and calves. Jack wasn't really concerned with what Ennis wanted in the hayloft, but Ennis told him with an innocent air of Billy and Peggy. "Ennis you're really impossible!" The last syllable was swallowed by a kiss from Ennis. The hay smelled nice and both were very happy. Afterwards Ennis said "Not, that it's not good now, but I'm looking forward to the summer when the crop for your mother is ready."

The next day was Monday. It was the first day of a normal life on a ranch in Wyoming. It was cold and windy. They worked, cooked, ate, talked and slept.

Some days later, at night, Ennis lay awake and tried to be clear about his feelings. He rolled around in bed until Jack was awake, too. "Ennis, what's going on? Are you alright?" "Yes, very good, in fact, I just didn't know until now, what is was to feel this way."

The moon shone bright. Jack looked at Ennis, held him close and said "I know what you mean. That's called happiness."

"Yeah… well, I could get used to it."

End


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